Left Alone with His Thoughts
by Toadsly Quinne Oadington
Summary: A one-shot, unless I am encouraged to do more. Gohan stays up with Pan her first night home and reflects on his own childhood.


ATTENTION!  
  
1/18/04--I have just now recalled some important information. I remember, a few hours ago, that Pan was four years old when she met Gokuu. In the story below, Gohan talks of Uub at the Budokai as though it has happened, but it couldn't have, because Pan was there for it. I am sorry for the inconsistency; I wrote this in less than fifteen minutes. Sorry. ____________________________________________________________________  
  
Videl came home from the hospital last night with our first child, Pan. She's beautiful. I took Pan next door to visit with Mom and Goten... and Dad, if he'd been there. Mom 'oohed' and 'ahhed' over her and Goten marveled at how small her hands and feet were. Mom told him he was that small, once. I remember that, too.  
  
I remember getting up in the middle of the night and going to him in Mom's room; picking him up and soothing him back to sleep so Mom could rest. It must have been hard to be a single parent.  
  
Videl is sleeping upstairs and I'm in the kitchen, holding my perfect little girl... and reflecting on my own childhood. Or rather, my lack of childhood. My dad died, for the first time, when I was four. He let himself be killed so he could kill my uncle. We didn't even know he had a brother; but Radditz showed up and told dad he was an alien, and I found out I had family on dad's side, after all. Well, I had a more extensive paternal family.  
  
I can't help but wonder why he killed Radditz, but was willing to allow such evil as Frieza to keep breathing. I guess I'll never know- he hasn't been around for me to ask him. He's been off in the desert somewhere, training Uub. Just like my dad to take off with the first more-powerful- than-the-average-human he meets. I'd heard, later, that Uub entered the Budokai to get money to help his village. By leaving the ring with him, Dad disqualified him, causing him to lose out on even the possibility of the prize money.  
  
That's just like dad, though. He isn't very good at thinking things through. He never really looks at the big picture; he's so focused on the present, on saving the day, that he doesn't think about how much it hurt the family he left behind. He just looked at me- while Cell was getting ready to explode, while I was wallowing in self-pity and too shocked to move. He looked at me, smiled and said, "Bye, Gohan." Then he was gone, and I knew he wouldn't be coming back.  
  
Pan shifts and fusses in my arms. I smile and tickle her nose, bouncing her lightly on my knee. She mumbles contentedly and settles back into her blanket. I didn't realize I'd gotten so upset; so lost in my memories.  
  
I stand up and walk to the window; I don't need to look at the clock to know it's almost dawn. The desert is to the west of our house. Dad is to the west, most likely just getting up and doing his stretches. I wonder if he's found someone else there. Not another wife, but another woman to cook for him, to mend his clothes, and to worry about him when he comes back late. He must have; dad's a terrible cook and he's too afraid of needles to sew. Maybe he's staying with Uub's family. What does that boy's mother think of this stranger taking her boy away every day, and bringing him back bruised, beaten, and bleeding every night?  
  
I should have studied all those times I had the chance. I never liked fighting; I snuck out with dad just to be with him, to be able to bond with him the way normal boys and their fathers do. He always told me how strong I was, how great of a fighter I would be. I would shrug and smile and say I wanted to be just like him; I think it's what he wanted to hear. Piccolo would tell me similar things, but he would be so rough about it.  
  
It's funny, really. Piccolo was more of a father to me all these years than my real dad. Piccolo was always there for me. When I would wake up in the middle of the night after a nightmare about Frieza or Cell, Piccolo was always outside my window. After dad died the second time, and said he wouldn't come back, Piccolo even let me cry on him a few times. I should see how he's doing....  
  
The sun is rising and the warmth of it's rays wake Pan. She blinks and laughs; waving her arms, trying to catch the sunbeams. I hold her close to my heart. I'll never leave you alone, Pan. I'll always be here for you. You don't have to fight if you don't want to. You can do whatever you want and your mom and I will always support you. I'll never leave you, my little girl. ...I won't be my dad for you. 


End file.
